I like things that swing.
I haven't the slightest idea what's different this time. I am not sure whether gaining control is what I should focus on. If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad? But if makes you happy only for a while, how do you find the strength to savour it than to mull over the fact that it's going to end someday? I'm not going insane.
Okay, so I have a job now. Will get into that in a later entry, but what I want to say now is that this all feels so...
adult.
...
Play well, and play hard, child. Age compromises nothing for fun.
It's sickening and heartwrenching to come to a point where you wish that you want nothing to do with the current version of yourself.
Monsters and the bogeyman don't exist, but in real life, you'll meet conmen, thieves, and those who find pleasure in betraying friendships and trust. Hopefully, strength will be with you.
Don't waver. Sleepless nights do nothing for your complexion and your mind. Think hard before getting involved with men you don't trust at first sight. Think harder before getting involved with men you find irresistible at first sight.
Have faith. That's what people think I need, but it's been long since the time I knew that was what I want.
Don't waver.
alot has happened. i'm studying. i'd like to say that i'm keeping myself busy to get my mind off things but that's not true.
i'm keeping myself busy because i feel that what i am doing is important. this is my adventure. i'm climbing up this ladder and it's getting steeper. as i get higher, it gets lonlier.
this is my adventure.
I think I'm about to be made research fellow for a legal research center. I can't get into specifics, but I'm not quite sure if I want to get into research. But it's a job, a paying job so...
And make no mistake about it, I'm still looking for a second job, just because I'm really a workaholic (thank you for not pointing out the obvious.)
The secret is to not let them know that you don't have a fucking clue how you're going about your life.
Welcome to your twenties, PB.
i do think that i'm a manic depressive. it hits me at really random times. i don't even know what i'm doing. i mean really random. sometimes there's a trigger. sometimes it just happens.
i guess i really just feel alone. really alone. when people around you are so different from you. really different. and you can know it. they look at you differently. and i try to be like everyone else, but it gets lonelier that way. i see people and they are amazed by me. sometimes they hate me. sometimes they like me. most of the time they just laugh at the fact.
why am i bothered by all this. i knew this since i was... i can't recall. but it's been there like this balloon tied to my wrist, advertising 'hello there, i don't think like you'. i don't think like you.
i wish that i just stop. just like that. cold turkey on sadness. wow. a pill like that will make you divine these days.
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sometimes you just have to wonder, why is that? why do i feel so different? why do i feel so alone?
do i really have that big of an ego to think that i'm better than everyone else? or i really just don't care?
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i wish i could have told you what you're going into. i wish i can save you. i tried. i'm sorry.
i wish i can change the way you look at me. this will be a really hard stretch for you, that's about as much as i can say for now.
I don't know if this should be the blog's last entry or not.
I only go here for the archives. I was so talkative then.
But no. I'll keep writing here.
I want to write again.
...
